WAY below dealer cost

Another humor column, completely unedited, uncensored, and untrue.

Like any sane American with at least half of a working brain lobe, I immediately start regurgitating when I hear this on television:

“We here at the Jimbo “Wyatt” Earp Tri-county Car Emporium invite you to bring the kids, the dog, EVERYONE down today! Dig up Grandma Lucy, strap her to the hood, and bring her down too! We want EVERYONE to enjoy our ROCK-BOTTOM savings at BELOW DEALER COST! We will sell you ANYTHING! Nissans, Fords, Hondas, mopeds, underwear, Cheez Whiz, trampolines, WHATEVER! And you WON’T HAVE TO PAY UNTIL 2005! Even if you have LOW CREDIT! Or NO CREDIT! Or if you hand us CONFEDERATE BILLS! We’ll EVEN TRADE PELTS! If you want, we’ll let you have the car FOR FREE! Drive it off the lot! Without paying for it! We have to make room for the 2007’s!”

Aren’t these commercials annoying? Don’t you just want to beat the voice-over people over the heads with telephone poles? Wouldn’t that be fun?

You’ll be pleased as punch to find out that the next best thing will soon be available, according to a Nov. 10 article in the Omaha World-Herald: they will have their eyes bored out with grapefruit spoons.

No! Just kidding! Car dealerships will now be fined large sums of money if they run a television advertisement that has false information as part of stricter enforcement of advertising laws. The enforcement will prevent companies from airing commercials that say, “Write your own deal,” or, “We’re never undersold,” or make any reference to “bent beauties” after a hail storm, which is punishable by stoning.

The article said that offenses to the enforced advertising laws have been upwards of $2,000. Frankly, I do not think this is enough. If, as Americans, we are to get truthful information from corporations, than the price for not telling the truth should be extended to giving up your first born son.

This system would work. Every time a car dealership uses the phrase, “We finance everyone—no credit is rejected,” the company will be fined $1,500. Excessive shouting in the commercials is a $4,000 fine. Every time the voice-over guy starts talking at the speed of light, the owner of the offending company will be taken out into the street and have leeches planted on his face. AutoMart 150 commercials will simply be banned.

As I mentioned before, car commercials directly after hail storms should be torn up, ripped apart, beaten, thrown, burned, and fed to pit bulls. O.J. Simpson told the truth more than these bloody things.

The entire presentation is a lie. They feature the owner of the company standing on the lot, waving their hands around like a deranged monkey who has just gained operational control of its limbs, saying things like, “The hail has passed, but the deals haven’t at the Jimbo “Wyatt” Earp Tri-county Car Emporium! From now until Wednesday, all of these ‘banged-up beauties’ are 50% off dealer invoice, with 0.95 APR financing! Whatever that means! These cars have dents over more than half of their bodies, but you can hardly notice them! We mean it! Only someone with a microscope and one too many drinks can tell the difference! Would we lie to you?”

Speaking of lies, the same kind of punishment needs to be enacted toward prescription medicine commercials. Finding any viable information in these haystacks is like digesting shrapnel.
My personal favorite is the commercial for Imitrex, which is famous for having a container that looks like a fish.

The commercial starts with a shot of a brown leather couch. The couch has a rumple in one of the cushions, as if someone recently sat in it. As the rumple begins to re-form into standard cushion shape, some children are heard outside, playing. When the cushion is completely reformed, the word “Imitrex” is slapped on the screen in large, purple letters, and a voice-over guy says, “Isn’t it about time you asked your doctor about Imitrex?”

To which most people replied: “Isn’t about time I severed my right foot and jammed it so far up my nasal cavities that my brain is damaged to the point that I actually understand this commercial?”

Clearly, whoever came up with the leather couch marketing concept has lo mien for brains. Not only is it untruthful (is Imitrex a leather couch reupholstering kit?), but it violates other advertising laws, including the one that protects the viewers from slitting their wrists.

No amount of money is great enough to fine these people. Yes—that’s right. They need to be locked up with Martha Stewart.

In any case, these stricter advertising laws are definitely a “step in the right direction” for Nebraska. They’re sensible, logical, and in the consumer’s best interest. And at WAY below dealer cost.

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2 Responses

  1. Our adverts are nowhere near as fun as those sound! England must be missing out… 😉

  2. Awww… I want to see these adverts – once 😛

    Maybe this new “watch tv programmes from around the world” thing I was half reading about today will allow me to 🙂

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